For the Haters

All of us have a friend, or relative, whom we like but who has views we can't tolerate. We like them because we know people are better than their worst qualities. You know this because you are yourself better than your stupidest mistakes, and because people can change. You’ve grown. Right? Maybe someday they will too.

I tend to let people be who they are. I don’t reject those who have different values, partly because on the road, I can't. I rub shoulders amongst, well, everyone, including some of Seattle’s most misogynistic, homophobic, and transphobic communities. I feel sorry for the smallness of their prejudiced worlds.  But I can’t hate them, because I’ve spent time with them. You can only hate people you don’t know well. I try instead to focus on the good things, listening and leading by example, reminding myself that a person is always more than one thing. 

But battle lines are being drawn in our great country, and we are entering a new era focused on violating the rights of women, immigrants, people of color, those with disabilities, the elderly, and the poor. That's basically everybody. Some people support this subjugation, wrongly thinking they’ll benefit from it. 

I speak now to you folks. 

This post is not for the choir, because preaching to the choir is lazy. It’s for the haters. I reach out to you without judgment, because I happen to like some of you, and I think you’re better than this. Read on.

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Somewhere along the way, somebody awfully clever suggested that feminists hate men. This is not accurate. Women often love men, especially men who are respectful. They simply want their own needs to be addressed too. You know, like how you put on your own oxygen mask first on the airplane. Women want an oxygen mask of their own, that they get to put on–protections, guarantees, support, respect; things men have always had and take for granted. Feminism is a fight not for dominance but equality.

When was the last time someone treated you like your desires and opinions don't count, like you’re less intelligent than you really are, less educated, don't make as much money, or don't have as much experience? Ask your female and POC friends if they ever run into this. Wouldn’t it frustrate you too?

You know our current president is “pro-rape.” He thinks being a rapist (meaning, a psychopath incapable of empathy, who can violate and permanently traumatize others without the faintest idea of what that’s like to go through) represents a compelling go-getter attitude useful in business and politics. It’s a new phrase, a new idea. I cannot abide by it. Because it, all of it at the end of the day, boils down to this: 

I was raised to treat others the way I want to be treated. 

You were too. You’ve heard of the Golden Rule. All religions have a variant of it, because it’s incontestable. Without it all societies would crumble. Also, pragmatically speaking, there's this:

If people around you are doing better, you will do better too. You don't lose anything  if society treats women and people of color fairly. Men are taught subconsciously that they have purpose if they're providers, and this is why the independence of women scares them- what purpose does a man have if there's no one to provide for? But men can be more than just providers, just as women can be more than homemakers, admirable as those roles are. Not everyone wants to get married and raise kids. 

If women can control their bodies (meaning their lives) and innovate, contribute, grow, as they choose, rather than being forced to do what others say, forced to put aside their dreams forever... if immigrants can get a foothold and complete, say, medical school (that’s more people who could cure cancer–your cancer, or your kids’)… quality of life improves for everyone. You can be a man supporting the opportunities of others for purely selfish reasons, and it would still make sense. Human rights don’t exist in limited supply. They aren't like food or money. And anyways, why support ideas that make life harder for your own loved ones? 

Politicians love to manipulate using fear because it's easy. Don’t give in. You're not afraid. Talk to people from other walks of life, ask and listen. Aren't they so much more like you than you thought? The way forward is one where everyone feels empowered, where your needs and theirs are met. This is how we increase the general welfare and the blessings of liberty for all. 

How did our leaders make you forget what you always knew was true? Treat others as you would want to be treated. Measure everything by that. It’s all you need to remember.

I know it’s pointless to try to change others, but I believe in diplomacy first. The most powerful weapons are not weapons, but ideas. Words. I use them now because I want to believe we can get somewhere by having a dialogue. And I may be wrong. Maybe those kids you’ve read about, those teen boys who bully girls by chanting, “your body, my choice….” Maybe I’m wrong, and they should all just be summarily taken out and shot. I can think of no attitude the world would be better off without than theirs. Maybe you can’t talk to these people, just like you couldn’t talk to Hitler or bin Laden.

But can you blame me for trying?

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It’s not for me to have the last word on this subject. Here’s Vera Brittain, author of Testament of Youth and the first woman to write a book on war. Food for thought:

In spite of the feminine family tradition and the relentless social pressure which had placed an artificial emphasis on marriage for all the women born, like myself, in the 1890s, I had always held and still believed it to be irrelevant to the main purpose of life. For a woman as for a man, marriage might enormously help or devastatingly hinder the growth of her power to contribute something impersonally valuable to the community in which she lived, but it was not that power, and could not be regarded as an end to itself. Nor, even, were children ends in themselves; it was useless to go on producing human beings merely in order that they, in their sequence, might produce others, and never turn from this business of continuous procreation to the accomplishment of some definite and lasting piece of work.