Welcome.
  • Home
  • The View From Nathan's Bus
  • Book
  • Photography
    • Death in Paris
    • Venizia
    • Napoli
    • Havana
    • Roma
    • Seoul
  • Upcoming Shows
  • Films
  • Speeches!
  • Press
  • About

Andy After Death

9/26/2013

4 Comments

 
Picture
There was a face I saw regularly a couple of years ago. On the blog I christened him "Dearborn 'I Still Got Your Water Jug' Dude," and he's mentioned here and here. He was a regular at Rainier and Dearborn, northwest corner; the fellow with one arm and one front tooth, dressed in soiled black rags right out of Dostoyevsky. 

He had strong, clearly defined features, a face battered by life and apparently all the happier for it. Funny, how a smile can transform one's being. Like Tran, he was liked not because he was attractive, but because he was always beaming. Confidence. Whenever he saw me, he would practically explode with delight, and I would do the same. My passengers on the 7 would smile. 

Once a couple of frat boys gave him a Big Gulp filled with motor oil, as a cruel joke; he was in the emergency room all night as a result, but afterwards was still as positive as ever. Talk about a resilient worldview. If he can be happy, I have no excuse. These guys are pros. 

For me it was important to get a wave in. Who knew how hard his day was progressing. Maybe that small gesture– actually, a rather large one, as our waves, complete with fistpounds to our solar plexi and peace-sign salutes, were massive– was sorely needed. I recall a day when I was in my car driving past; he didn't see me, and I didn't stop because I had no food on offer. But I did have my emergency gallon water jug. Did Andy's thirst qualify as an emergency? Yes. 

I U-turned around and pealed back, stopping at a red across the street. He recognized me in my non-bus car and street clothes, as I ran across the lanes with the gallon of water. The day was a scorcher, and he really needed it. 

"Thanks so much for that day, bro," he would tell me so many times afterwards. "I still got the jug as a keepsake!"

Often there was a second man panhandling there- a quieter fellow, mild in both manner and look. They'd amble amongst different sets of cars looking for handouts, not quite stepping on each other's turf. Time went by and the day came when I noticed I hadn't seen the Dostoyevsky guy in some time. 

I asked Mild Guy about it.
"Hey, where's the other guy? I haven't seen him in a while,"
"Oh, Andy? He's dead."
"What?"
"Yeah, he died a couple months ago."
"What? Oh, my goodness. I haven't been on this route for a bit,"
"Yeah. He didn't take very good care of himself,"
"Shoot. That's a shame. What a great attitude that guy had."
"Yeah, he was cool."

Today, more than a year later, I look over at the northwest corner of Rainier and Dearborn, minding my own business– double take. There's a figure over there, dressed almost exactly as Andy always was, except this guy is younger, and he's breakdancing. Andy had a severe limp and a missing arm; he could never move this fast. But otherwise the resemblance- specifically the wardrobe- is uncanny; I don't know if it's an intentional tribute or not. It is for me. It's as if Andy's ghost is still dancing, moving and breathing as he never could in life. A blur, pinwheeling in and out of himself, that smile transformed into movement, a ball of energy rising, a revolving top, a whirling dervish...

How do we exist after death? In the memories of others. We live in their minds, as long as they remember us. We carry on in their hearts and actions, informing their thoughts. You are that memory that drifts in on a rainy day, in the midst of a cluttered market, on the beach alone. You spread and multiply, many different places at once, your friends and lovers taking a second glance at that bookshelf, or laughing at something you always did, or them sticking up for something because they distantly remember your attitude, defiantly positive to the end. 

Then you fade away. 

Smaller and smaller inside all of them, becoming more a part of them then an identifiable memory of you. You spread into the soil of the human spirit, no longer a corpse but now everywhere and nowhere. You were a person, then a memory, then an idea, then a feeling, then everything. 

I can still see him now.
4 Comments
Malinda
9/26/2013 11:04:35 am

Nicely done, Nathan.
Our reactions to death and loss are guided by our perceptions.
There are so many variables that influence our perceptions.
Death is inevitable, yet we still grieve.

Reply
Nathan
9/28/2013 07:08:00 am

Thank you, Malinda. It's curious, the effect of a death of someone we know. One's universe is rocked out of its specifics, and the sheer size of life resurfaces. We realize how much there is we don't know. Sometimes I feel like I can almost touch a realization that waits around the corner, but it remains hidden.

Reply
Paul Margolis
9/28/2013 09:27:49 pm

I have brought up Gaylen to you several times. After long stretches of not seeing him, I often wonder if he is still with us. His rough spirit is always with me. He would transform when he saw me. He always carried himself gruff, and big, but worn and worked. He also had a hard time seeing clearly and he would approach the doorway with a mean judgemental squint. But when he recognize that it was me driving, all that melted away and it was like getting treated by an excited 3 year old with the 'glow'.

I hope that he simply just got a place; that too would explain why I have not seen him in more than a year.

Reply
Nathan
9/29/2013 07:29:32 am

I wrote about Gaylen here, before i knew he was Gaylen: http://www.nathanvass.com/1/post/2012/08/lift.html

I hope he's doing well as well. It has been a while since I've seen him. I've never quite understood all the fuss about the guy; as you say, he's generally okay on my bus. He thinks I'm gay, and I don't bother with clarifying, so he's usually more on the hostile side...but he was coming around when I saw him last (over a year ago at least). The kindness from him I mention at the end of that post was a great moment- perhaps all the moreso because it came from underneath his gruff exterior.

"The Glow" is a beautiful thing indeed.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    RSS Feed

    Subscribe


    ​Nathan

    You can find me (Again! Finally!) on the Great 7/49, in the evenings.

    What is this blog? Check out the explanatory first post, or read the  front-page Seattle Times writeup here!  

    Here's a one-page crash course with links and highlights: Nathan Vass 101

    My Book is Finally Easy to Purchase!

    For New Bus Drivers: Thoughts, Tips, and Stories

    Popular posts:

    Only have time for one story? Try these. 
    -The Day The Earth Stood Still
    -Fecal and Philosophical Matters
    -Le Park de Cal Anderson
    -
    21st Century Man
    ​-Black Lives
    -Fighters and Lovers, In and Out of Time
    ​
    -Andy After Death
    -Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About the Great & Terrible 358
    -I'M A LIGHT-SKINNED BLACK WOMAN!
    -Scroll down on this sidebar to "On the Street," below, for more highlights~

    Personal:
    -My Seattle
    --On Second Acts
    -Yves Klein, Color of the Heavens
    ​
    ​-Popular Posts from 2018, with Commentary
    -Nathan Vass, 2019 Washington State Book Award Finalist
    -Nathan on the Elliott Bay event: Parts I, II, and III
    -Seattle Magazine / Third & Cherry
    -Pretty Sure I Don't Deserve This
    -How I Live Now
    -Escaping the Overlords: Nathan on Comcast
    ​
    -I Am Now Ten Years Old
    -Confession
    -Flowers in a Pool of Blood: Thoughts From an American in Paris
    -Paris, One Year Later: A Personal Perspective
    -The Transgender Ban
    -Nathan on the Las Vegas shootings: On Terror & Other Things
    ​
    -The Birthday That Almost Never Happened
    ​
    -Nathan Takes a Day Off:
    Part 1 (See Nathan Run);
    Part 2 (Nathan Gets Excited); 
    Part 3 (Nathan Sounds Like Morgan Freeman)
    -Rad(iation) City
    -La La Land & What Los Angeles Means
    -Reparations
    -Names Nathan gets called! A list in three parts: 1, 2, 3
    -Where and How it All Began
    -How I Write the Posts, and Why
    -Chaleur Humaine
    -A Story
    -What Not to Say​
    -In Praise of Silver Hair
    -You're Been a Good Friend of Mine
    -...And a Splendid New Year!
    -Nathan Converses With His Colleagues: Parts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

    Political:
    -The Great Male Detoxification Project
    -The Day the Music Died
    -Kindness In the Days of After
    -Understanding Love & Hate During Trump Nation
    -More than Health, More than Money
    -Seattle, Center of the Modern Universe
    ​
    ​-What We Did, Today
    -This Story Has Nothing to do With Donald Trump
    -Don't Be Scared of My Friends, Part I
    -Don't Be Scared of My Friends, Part II
    -The Music Isn't Dead (Yet)
    -Nathan Actually Talks Politics, Pt III: Keeping the Music Alive
    -Pulling Our Weight, Part II: Addressing the Homeless Laziness Question
    -Getting Some Diversity Off My Chest
    ​
    -The Veterans
    -Islamofriendia
    -Be at Peace, Mr. Garner. We Will Love the World For You
    -The Streets Regard Ferguson
    -How do You Change the World? Thoughts on Violence
    -Cowboys of the New Age: Status & Respect in the American Ghetto
    -A Boy Named Hamza: Thoughts on Hate in Three Parts 
    -It Used to Sound Like This

    ​On film & art:
    -Once Upon a Time... in Dreams: On Tarantino, Violence, and Transcendence
    -On Finishing Men I Trust
    -The Lie & How to See It: On Hate, Despair & Hope in Contemporary Film
    -
    Notre Thoughts
    -Addressing Despair: Nathan on First Reformed
    -How Evergreen Became Irrelevant
    -October 2018 show breakdown: all the deets 
    -On Color Darkrooms
    -The Non-Bailers: Thank You to the Cast & Crew of Men I Trust, Pt I
    -People I Trust: Thanks to My Cast and Crew, Pt 2
    -Nathan's Overlooked Films of 2016: Trailers, photos, analyses
    -A Bus Driver Reviews the New Bus Driver Movie! 
    -My Films
    -Song to Song and Malick: The Cutting Edge
    ​
    -Nathan on Wet Lab Prints
    -Kehinde Wiley: The Morning After
    -Nathan the Friendly Hermit, Part I: Nathan Gets Pasty
    -
    Nathan the Friendly Hermit, Part II: Pastier and Pastier
    -Birdman, (a) Film of the Decade
    -
    Gone Girl: Fidelity & Subjectivity
    -On Gravity and Identity
    ​-Primary Colors with Music: Andrea Arnold's American Honey
    -Sicario: Why Visuals Matter
    -The Martian: On Intelligence in Pop Culture
    -About Elly
    -Best films of 2015: Trailers, photos, analyses
    -Selected writings on films released in 2014, 2013, and 2012. 

    On the Street:
    -Eulogy for the Damned
    -King Travis
    ​-The Great and Terrible Fifth & Jackson: An Ethnography
    The Veterinarian: A Story on Grief in 4 Parts
    -Decent Street: Kendrick, Gender, Lingo, & the Good Man Problem
    -The Shake'N'Bake: Parts 1, 2, & 3
    -I've Been Sainted
    -The Hug
    -Dominique The Mystique
    ​
    -Deserve, the Concept and the Song
    ​-Gangsta Phone Strategy, Deep Breaths & Kindness Rising
    -Love, Deeply
    ​
    -It's Never Over Til It's Over
    -"I Love Everybody!"
    -The Joy of Bus Driving
    -The Knife's Edge Dance
    ​
    -The Soulful Stench
    -"Everybody Need to Quit Acting Hard and S**t"
    -The Mother's Day Apocalypse
    -Ode to Aurora
    -Ode to the 358
    -Ode to the 7 (Cascade of a Thousand Colors)​
    -"I BET YOU APPROVE UH GAY MARRIAGE"
    -The Question
    -By Himself
    -Appreciation
    -Banter in the Nighttime
    -The Nathan Train
    -The Benevolent Roar
    -Truthfulness, the Final Currency
    -Love is in the Air
    ​
    -Respect, Currency of the Street​
    ​-Thought I Heard Something

    -Things I've Learned From the 358
    -
    Surfing the Sparkling Wave
    ​-Saddest Music in the World​
    -Rainier & Henderson, Baby!
    -Sheeeeeeyyiitt: Strategies for Day or Night
    -The Circle of Spelling and Life
    ​
    -AngryNice I (Love Through Frustration)
    AngryNice II: Tran Chimes In
    AngryNice III (We've All Felt It)
    -Love (Hurting From a Lack Thereof)
    -Hip to be Joyful
    -Future, Present, Past
    ​-Changing Awful
    -Harsh
    ​-The Nameless Heroes
    -The Break-Up
    -Tropic Of
    -Figuring it All Out in the Bullpen
    -First Day of School
    ​-Thoughts of Ourselves
    -Leaving Small Talk Behind
    ​-India
    ​-She Did It On a Monday
    ​-One Day, My Friend
    -I Am Now Two Years Old
    ​-The Harder Thing
    -Poker Face Practice
    -The Great Freeze

    For Bus Drivers!
    -The Swagger I Love: Thoughts on My Fellow Operators
    ​-A Love Letter for My Colleagues: Exercises and Stretches for Operators
    -What I've Learned From Other Bus Drivers
    -Rest in Peace, Breda Monster
    -I Don't Know What a Trolley is, Part I
    -I Don't Know What a Trolley is, Part II
    -Verbal

    Archives

    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.